How I fell in love with and married a non-Muslim

 
10 April 2012
WEST END FINAL

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What is the most important quality that a life partner should have? Is it mutual attraction or a shared sense of humour or perhaps a common vision for the future? For the singletons in BBC3's endearing and occasionally cringe-inducing Strictly Soulmates, none of those criteria is as important as the need that their future spouse share their religion. Whether it was the Christians in the first week of the series or the Jews you will see in Thursday's programme, everyone is praying for a partner - and they all think their Mr or Ms Right must be a fellow believer.

I have been gripped by the series partly because I too spent the best part of two decades convinced that my ideal woman would have to be a Muslim, like me. When friends challenged me on this I would list the ways in which marrying within one's religion was so essential: I wouldn't risk enraging and alienating my family, there would be a religious heritage that we would both share; there would be no anguished questions about how any children would be raised.

That's the theory, anyway, but the reality, as the singletons in Strictly Soulmates learn, is that it is hard enough finding someone to whom you are attracted, who is attracted to you and who you can imagine spending the rest of your life with, without adding the hurdle that they share the same religion.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the series is to observe how much the young Christians, Hindus, Muslims and Jews have in common. They'd all probably get on brilliantly if they ever left their self-imposed religious bubbles. As for me, after years of being a heroic failure in love it dawned on me that perhaps I shouldn't be so hung up about religion. I am now married to Bridget, who isn't Muslim, and I think our marriage has convinced me that mixed-faith marriages have strong advantages that are hardly discussed.

The statistics suggest they are more vulnerable but I would argue that they can be stronger than a "conventional" marriage, because the chances are they have been strongly tested well before the wedding day.

Given the pressures to marry within the religion, especially in conservative communities, anyone willing to go against tradition has already proved their love. And there is so much at stake in mixed faith marriages that you end up discussing the future at a freakishly early stage: I remember discussing with Bridget how our as-yet non-existent children would be raised only weeks into the relationship.

So many of my fears about what married life would be like have proved to be unfounded: it turns out that married life isn't about sitting around arguing about whether Jesus truly is the son of God.

The reality is that it isn't religion that provokes bitter arguments - it is my somewhat relaxed attitude to tidiness.

Marrying someone from another religious tradition also provides a window into another community and that, surely, should be encouraged.

If we want a less divided, one in which all communities integrate rather than live separate lives, then mixed-faith marriages are a living embodiment of that ideal. I wish more people had the confidence to take that leap of faith.

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