Grace Dent reviews Scott's: 'Saturday night here is a wonderful eye-popping zoo'

Grace Dent dines with the beautiful people at Scott's
Unchallenging in a world of many uncertainties: the crustacea bar at Scott's
Grace Dent28 November 2017

Ambience: ☆☆☆☆
Food: ☆☆☆☆

The quandary of writing a restaurant column for a fashion special issue is that the very fashionable don’t really eat. Oh, they claim to, but it’s a lie. I’m a very nosy woman. I have enough contacts in Michelin-star kitchens to know which front-row favourites peruse the menus meaningfully then order ‘steamed half-head of broccoli; no oil’.

In this life, you’re either someone who wears sample-size, or you’re someone who knows the joy of pommes aligot washed down with Picpoul de Pinet. I am rarely begged to ‘Frow’ — chiefly as my left butt cheek is the entire circumference of one Victoria’s Secret Angel. In fashion circles, I am little more than a fire hazard.

Yet even if the fashionable seldom trouble a fork, they still love being out of the house, galavanting. And they adore Scott’s in Mayfair — opened on Haymarket in 1851, moved to Mount Street in 1968 — famous for its sole meunière and chic ambience, and infamous for an incident with Charles Saatchi, which I’ll nudge a bosom towards then move on. Every time Scott’s goes out of fashion, it bounces right back.

Clicking through recent pap shots taken at Scott’s entrance is a lovely way to liven up a dull conference call. When Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell fancied a bite after last year’s Burberry show it was Scott’s to which they sauntered. Recent diners include Liz Hurley, waspish in leather, and Lara Stone in full straw-haired, semi-crumpled Bardot mode. I particularly enjoyed the shots of Salma Hayek girl-hugging Penelope Cruz into her chauffeured Merc following a night that perhaps contained wine and starchy carbs.

Always in fashion: Oysters with wild boar sausages

So if you’ve never been, by now you might be thinking that Scott’s is a sort of Tutankhamun’s tomb of gauche opulence, living greenery walls and staff prancing about with fireworks. It’s quite the opposite. Scott’s is chic, welcoming yet ever-so-slightly bland, similar to an upmarket cruise liner’s most formal dining room. Creams, golds and browns mix with occasional shimmery nods to a fish theme. It reminds me of a genteel Manhattan old-timer, I think that’s why Club Famous like it. Scott’s is unchallenging in a world of many uncertainties.

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It’s also gloriously imperfect. Service has patches of rampant enthusiasm followed by patches where one falls off the radar. A plate of humble yet exquisite smoked salmon prodded me to muse I could live on this and this alone forever. The potted shrimps were delicious but not a patch on the simple buttered pots one buys in Morecambe Bay. An undelicate overly mustardy lobster thermidor arrived with chips that weren’t worth a postcard home. If you’re not feeling fishy, the Bannockburn rib steak with Béarnaise sauce is a glorious, hulking, uncompromising Desperate Dan dinner. Scott’s freshly hewn apple pie with crème anglaise is the best in London.

So, yes, an up-and-down dinner, yet Scott’s continues to remain in my little black book. Clientele, on my last visit, featured one 70-year-old Mayfair übermensch in a belted leather trenchcoat (I am unsure if she had clothes on beneath it) chucking back West Mersea Native oysters. I spotted one retired top-ranking MI5 officer, one titty Essex siren falling out of her balconette frock, several double-dating forty-something A-gays and a flurry of well-heeled Japanese ladies scoffing Beluga caviar at the bar. No Kate and Naomi, but you can’t have it all. Saturday night at Scott’s is a wonderful eye-popping zoo. You’ll either love it or hate it. But it’s not going anywhere soon.

Dining with the beautiful people: Grace Dent
Evening Standard/Eyevine

Scott's

1 Potted shrimps £12.25

1 Smoked salmon £16.25

1 Lobster thermidor £21

1 Bannockburn rib steak £35.50

1 Broccoli £5.25

1 Bramley apple pie £8.50

1 glass Chablis Ecuelle £14.25

1 glass Fleurie £14.75

3 Quinta Port £31.50

2 Evian £9.90

1 Fresh mint tea £3.75

Total: £172.90

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