Scuff and nonsense, Mr Osborne: put some shine on those down-at-heel shoes George

Amidst all the hoo-ha of today’s Budget even the least interested of observers couldn’t fail to notice the glaring difference between British ministers and their foreign counterparts. Shoes.

As the Treasury team posed for a photograph prior to their boss going down the road to the House of Commons, their dull, unpolished shoes were in stark contrast to, say, US president Barak Obama as he trotted off on Air Force One today – Oxford shoes gleaming in the sunshine.

Similarly, the French president’s glossy JM Weston lace-ups were a testament to a bit of spit and polish.

Sadly, in contrast, as George Osborne shuffled from foot to foot in front of 11 Downing Street, his assistant Danny Alexander – the Lib-Dem Chief Secretary to the Treasury – looked as if he was wearing grey shoes. Closer inspection revealed that they were once in fact black. Similarly, his boss's Oxfords looked as if they hadn’t seen a tin of polish for a number of weeks.

So here it is, Mr Osborne and Mr Alexander. The idiot’s guide to polishing your shoes.

Remove suit jacket, roll up shirt sleeves. Shove hand into show. With other hand take one tin of Kiwi Parade Gloss Polish (black), dip a cloth in and apply to shoe. In circular motions. All over. Don’t forget to turn over shoe and paste polish on the arch (that’s the bit between the heel and the sole and the tip of the toe. Take an old toothbrush and work the Kiwi into the welt (that’s the bit that attaches the sole to the uppers).

Then, with a soft-bristled brush rub furiously, warming the leather and working in the polish as you go.

Politely ask Mrs Osborne or Mrs Alexander for an old pair of tights (nothing too low in the denier count), scrunch into a ball and buff the shoes, again in a circular motion. Stop, inspect shoes. More buffing with your wife’s old tights. When both of you think you can shave in the reflection the job’s a good’un.