Sorry! Why we need to stop saying the S word

As new research suggests refusing to use the S word is good for us, serial offender Kara Dolman tackles her own ‘apolodiction’
P27 Saying Sorry with Flowers
27 February 2013

It’s 8.02am — and I’ve already apologised four times. The first occurred 15 minutes into my day, around 6.17am, when I apologised for having a shower: “Sorry! I hope I didn’t wake you up — and that I wasn’t too long,” I told my housemate as I exited the bathroom.

The second time was five minutes later, when I had to cancel a drink with a friend after realising I’d double-booked her with a work meeting that evening. “I am so, SO sorry,” I texted. “Really hope you can forgive me?”

The third came as I changed Tubes on my way to work. I’d just missed a Circle line train. “Many apologies but I may be a little late,” read the email to my boss. And the fourth? Well, when a bloke (carelessly) bashed into me on the Tube I responded automatically: “Sorry!”

By the time I arrived at my desk at 8.02am, two minutes late, I had to stop myself from firing off another “sorry” email to my boss, now in her morning meeting. I was exhausted. Apologising can really take it out of you.

In fact, a recent study has suggested that refusing to apologise may actually be good for us.

“We found refusing to apologise creates a sense of power and control — and those feelings led to greater self-esteem,” says Dr Tyler Okimoto, a social and organisational psychologist who led the study at the University of Queensland, Australia.

During one of two experiments, a group of adults was asked to think of a time they’d upset someone and apologised, while another group was asked to think of a time they’d upset someone and not apologised, and a further group was asked to think of a time they’d upset someone and refused to apologise.

In the second experiment, a third of participants wrote an email apologising for something they’d done wrong, a third had to think about what they’d done but write no email, and the final third had to write an email but refuse to apologise for what they’d done.

Compared with those who had done nothing, participants who apologised lessened their feelings of guilt and slightly boosted their self-worth. However, participants who refused to apologise experienced the most powerful impact on their self-esteem.

“Apologising can leave you at the mercy of the person you are apologising to. You are giving them control, making it up to them to forgive you or not,” explains Dr Okimoto. “Defending one’s actions differs from apologising.”

Indeed, while the word apology comes from the Ancient Greek apologia, meaning a defence, in today’s society it has evolved to mean an admission of wrongdoing — something certain people are more likely to admit to than others.

“People who are more prone to apologising, like yourself, value relationships and harmony — and are perhaps willing to forgo power and control,” Dr Okimoto tells me. “There was also a tendency for women to be more apologetic than men across the study.”

Previous research, including a study at the University of Waterloo, Canada, supports this. However, some experts believe that may be because men and women view apologising differently.

“Men see apologising as an admission of weakness. They are more alert to words that weaken their status, while women often see apologies as tokens of consideration,” says gender and language expert Jennifer Coates, emeritus professor at the University of Roehampton. “Women are also more prone to apologising frequently — even when there is no need for them to do so.”

I have to admit, I am a real mug for this. I often find myself apologising for things that aren’t my fault and when I simply don’t have to — and it drives my friends and colleagues mad.

“What, you mean like when you say, ‘Sorry, am I going on?’ whenever we’re having a conversation,” replied several delighted friends when I asked if anyone else had an “apolodiction”.

“In this high-octane world it’s time- wasting. Unnecessary apologies are dead space — you are just puffing your communication out with unnecessary subservience,” added a worldly colleague. Usually, I would have apologised but today I was conducting an experiment of my own: how long could I go without using the S word?

Things started well. When I arrived at work, my boss was fuming because a colleague hadn’t completed their work. I bit my tongue — and managed not to apologise on the offender’s behalf.

An hour later, another colleague was crestfallen when I (politely) asked them to redo something. I clamped my jaw shut, smiled and strode off. “Just doing your job, there’s no need to apologise,” I reminded myself, hoping I’d soon relish being an apolo-free zone.

Unfortunately, a few minutes later I overheard another apolodicted colleague abusing the S word, which set off my own apology alarm: I was sorry that she was sorry. I mouthed it silently.

It marked my decline. By the end of the working day, I’d apologised 12 times. I left for dinner with a friend thankful that for a few hours I could maintain my moratorium on the S word.

But as she filled me in on some recent bad news, I realised this ban just wasn’t meant to be. I couldn’t help but tell her how I felt, which was, simply, “sorry”.

“Women take it for granted an apology can have different meanings. We tell someone ‘I’m sorry’ when they’ve had a bereavement — or a bad day — which can demonstrate empathy. Female children are socialised to feel empathy from an early age — whereas male children are not,” claims Professor Coates.

While I can’t say the men in my life are less empathetic than the women, it is always a woman I notice apologising frequently and needlessly. The study at the University of Waterloo suggests this is because women have a lower threshold for offensive behaviour — so they offer more apologies as a result.

With this in mind, while I’m manning up when it comes to frivolous apologies in the future, I’d consider it a sorry state of affairs if I didn’t offer one when truly deserved — or needed. So apologies in advance, friends and colleagues but I’m not about to stop saying sorry anytime soon.

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