Scarfe's week: May is forced to put the house in order

Monday

AS ALLEGATIONS of sexual impropriety sweep Westminster, it is revealed that the Conservative Party’s 1922 Committee mobilised against David Cameron’s bid to create a binding code of conduct for MPs. Minister Mark Garnier apologises for calling his secretary “sugar tits”.

Kevin Spacey says he is “beyond horrified” at claims that he assaulted fellow actor Anthony Rapp. In his statement, Spacey comes out as gay.

Theresa May is threatened with a snap general election if she is defeated on her Brexit deal, prompting many to recall the reaction of Brenda from Bristol: “You’re JOKIN’ — not another one!”

Madrid takes control of the Catalan government. A “world-class” film studio is planned for Dagenham. Lewis Hamilton is in line for a £120 million contract after winning his fourth Formula One world crown.

Tuesday

The names of six MPs, including a “handsy” Cabinet minister, are published online. Plans are withdrawn to give Kevin Spacey a special Emmy saluting his ability to “touch humanity”.

Great British Bake Off judge Prue Leith admits she “f***ed up” after prematurely revealing this season’s winner online. Costumed children meeting Donald and Melania Trump at the White House Halloween celebration inexplicably miss the chance to dress as Paul Manafort and George Papadopoulos.

British jihadist Shabazz Suleman explains that yes, he belonged to Islamic State, and had a uniform and a gun, but he is not actually a terrorist. Designer Christopher Bailey quits Burberry after 17 years.

Wednesday

Eight people, including five friends from Argentina, are killed by a truck driven by Saypullo Saipov in a cycle path beside New York’s Hudson River.

A Conservative aide believes her drink was spiked with a date rape drug in the Strangers’ Bar at the House of Commons. Another says her Tory MP boss grabbed her crotch. First Secretary Damian Green’s career hangs in the balance over allegations of “inappropriate” behaviour towards journalist Kate Maltby.

Labour faces questions over why activist Bex Bailey’s claim she was raped by a party official was “batted away”. Mr Selfridge star Jeremy Piven denies an actress’s claims on Twitter that he grabbed her breasts.

A report predicts two years of stagnation for London house prices. Mayor Sadiq Khan announces that half of London’s police stations are to close. Camilla Parker Bowles says she stays in shape at 70 with “a bit” of yoga and Pilates. Sony plans to sell a robot puppy.

Sir Michael Fallon quits as Defence Secretary for touching a journalist’s knee 15 years ago.

Thursday

Kevin Spacey seeks “evaluation and treatment” as three more men allege that he harassed or assaulted them. Film director Brett Ratner sues one of several women who have made allegations against him. Tory MPs fear Fallon’s departure will lead to more resignations. “Baby-faced assassin” Gavin Williamson is the new Defence Secretary.

A gunman shoots three people in a Colorado Walmart. Collins Dictionary chooses “Fake news” as its word of the year (or does it?). The CIA reveals Osama bin Laden had the viral video Charlie Bit My Finger on the computer at his Pakistan compound.

No British company is on the list of those bidding to build superfast trains for HS2. The Bank of England raises interest rates by 0.5 per cent. A pug café is due to open on Brick Lane next month.

Friday

The week of sleaze comes to an end with Labour MP Kelvin Hopkins suspended over allegations of harassment, and Fallon denying that he made suggestive comments to Leader of the House Andrea Leadsom. In a change from sexual scandals, International Development Secretary Priti Patel is revealed to have held undisclosed meetings while on holiday in Israel.

Twitter admits that Donald Trump’s account was suspended for 11 minutes, apparently by a departing employee. A new species of orangutan has been discovered in Sumatra.

@nickcurtis

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